Events that will NEVER happen in Castlevania
		By:  Fragraham Lincon
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Carrie runs out of hair dye

Alucard and Vampire Hunter D argue over who Daddy liked better

Dracula sues makers of all vampire movies and conquers the world
using the money he made from out of court settlements

Simon Belmont buys a pair of pants

Actrise gets a role in Castlevania: the movie...

...and directs

A random Belmont faces Dracula and mistakenly chooses the wrong
trash talk "bite me"

the motorcycle skeletons have a bike rally.

the chainsaw monster rents himself out as a gardener.

Carrie's fandom grows big enough to fill a one room apartment.

the clock tower gets sent off to a watch maker for repairs.

Meanwhile a Belmont cheers because he doesn't have to climb the bitch.

Trevor belmont gets a new game

fans settle their argument on wheter or not super castlevania was or was not a
remake of original castlevania.

Simon Belmont gets a personality

Richter gets a decent voice actor

Death is arrested on 5000 counts of necrophelia

death loses a chess match and throws down the board saying 
"Chess is for dorks"

Reinhardt steps in a pool of blood.  "ewe gross"  then hears a scream from the blood gell  "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH GET OFF GET OFF AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!"

someone besides me writes a Carrie centered fanfic.

the books in the library attack Alucard screaming "Reading is fundamental ASSHOLE!"

The librarian opens a pawn shop

Medusa heads fly south for the winter

a vegetarian belmont (think about it you do power up on meat)

the transforming gear boss from bloodlines quits the series to join
the decepticons. (I couldn't resist making a transformers refference)

Akumojo Dracula X68000 gets released in the US.

Sonia Belmont dawns a black wig and Simon's leather to work as a stand in for xena warrior princess.

Renon asks you to register your purchase online.

and spams you when you give him your Email address (he is a demon after all)

Carlie Vincent falls over under the weight of the big cross on his back and can't 
get up.

the death scene for falling into the gears in the clock tower is censored.
in the full version not only are you ground up but also cooked into burgers and
served to dracula's minions at a victory BBQ.

the bottomless pits really are bottomless.  your character actually dies of boredom.

Dracula makes a long and impressive entrance but a Belmont finally wisens up and busts a cap in his
head.

The Belmont clan trades in the whip for a bazooka

the castle drawbridge raises too fast flinging the latest Belmont over the
castle streight to the castle keep.  "WHOOHOO! No clock tower this time!"

Reinhardt and Carrie open Dracula's coffin to find a skeleton with a stake jabbed in the ribs
with a not attached.  "Carlie Vincent wuz here"
Reinhardt:  "Our work here is done."
Carrie: "but.."
Reinhardt: "Quiet you!"

that's all I got right now.  Hope you liked em.